A trip to the hospital.

Firstly let me tell you… It doesn’t matter how poorly your child is.. They can be clinically dead and I promise you that when you see a doctor they’re tap dancing with a giant smile on their face. Or is that just mine? Makes me out to be a gigantic liar…. I mean I tell the doctor how Oscars not eaten and won’t eat anything I offer? What does he do? He tried to eat the stick the doctor shoved in his mouth to check his throat. *eye roll*

Then comes what I was expecting ‘I’m sorry mom but we think Oscar needs to spend the night in paediatrics’ and then the killer line that no toddler mom wants to hear….. EVER.

‘and we’re going to need a water sample’

Handing me a pot that I struggle to piss in without it going on my hands… Never mind a sodding toddler. So it begun…. When the nappy first came. Off…. We were nervous.. Like REALLY FUCKING NERVOUS. it was like a pass the baby time bomb.. Who’s about to get sprinkled first? And to add fuel to the fire he was on a Rehydration challenge 10ml of water every ten minutes… It was like a really tense game of buckaroo.

The first hour comes and goes.. And you know I’m kinda wishing this tense game could be finished…we start googling tactics, who’s gonna hold the little pee pot, maybe we should run a tap? Foot in cold water?

We get to hour 4 by this point I’m making him down cups of water like an 18 year old on jager bombs.. We get to HOUR SEVEN. By this point he’s running round the ward.. Todger out with me giving zero fucks… I’m giving up, there’s something clearly wrong here and without being rude.. I don’t give a flying shit when I’m running on no sleep.

Me and my mom get into a conversation about something boring and irrelevant and walahhh…. The kid only went and pissed on the floor. The devastation was real, I tried everything to scoop piss into that pot, imagine me.. On my hands and knees on a hospital floor trying to SCOOP baby piss into the tube. I dunked a spare bib I had on me into it, and tried to SQUEEZE the piss into the tube. And what happened while I was doing that? In came the nurse… To say she looked abit disgusted was an understatement.. But in the same breath I can’t help but feel she’d have done the same thing after watching her child intently for 7hours waiting for him to piss.

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Masterchef momma

It begins at weaning. We start to question what’s best… purée? Baby led?

We start obsessing over salt intake, Ella’s Kitchen becomes a big household name – ORGANIC, ORGANIC, ORGANIC!

And it begins so well, doesn’t it? They gobble down your vegetable muffins that you’ve baked especially, they eat a generous portion of your freshly cooked spaghetti bolognaise, and wash it all down with a fruit-infused water. Marvelous. You’re basically Nigella Lawson!

But they’re giving you a false sense of security ladies… honestly!

What happens when it goes tits up? (I’m looking at around the one year mark).

Let me tell you… You cook.. You slave… You work harder. More meal ideas, more meal planning… Freezing, bulk cooking… and….. They throw it on the friggin’ floor.

You try the next portion; something different, a little sweeter (in a totally organic and not-sugary kind of way) … For it to be spat all over the highchair tray.

“Perhaps it’s this meal”, you think, “they mustn’t like it. I know: I’ll go for the GO TO meal… Cheese and potato pie. Because, for sure, after a night of little food he’s gonna fancy a massive portion of that mashed potato cheesy goodness!”

WRONG! Suddenly, everything has changed. Food has changed. You get a little desperate… You try a handful of those naughty high in salt Wotsits. They gobble them. Result. Maybe a slice of toast? And again… Shovelled in like they’ve never eaten.

This is it ladies; this is your life for the next best-part of six months!

What I’m trying to say is, if your baby- like mine- is going through a fussy phase… Don’t stress, it’s normal!

If you’re giving cereal for tea, or you’re only managing to get two bites of real tea in, before filling them up on yoghurt, or a banana, or basically anything that wouldn’t count as a “proper tea”… Don’t beat yourself up!

Stock up on Weetabix, crumpets, Wotsits… And enjoy your time off from being “Masterchef Mommy”!
Soon enough they’ll be back to eating you out of house and home, I’m sure.

Edited by Rebecca Wright. The angel!

But I wanted glitter, fairies and dolls… Not tractors and fart jokes

It’s magical isn’t it, having a baby, growing the tiny little seed from your belly button into the tiny little dictator that demands biscuits and milk at 2am.

But we have an image don’t we? We see ourselves with our babies long before they arrive, picking out little outfits that will suit them, imagining a little girl tugging round a mini Henry hoover behind us. Matching pink converse with our own. Total mom goals. So when that gets blown out the water, at probably the most hormonal stage in our lives (minus the menopause those bitches are crazyyyyy! ) then why is it seen as totally wrong to be disappointed?

My friend today said she wanted a girl and would be silently disappointed if it were a boy. She’s not even pregnant. But you know what… I get it. I was like her. I wanted that mini me, tutus, ballet lessons and what did I get? I got Oscar. When I found out I was having a little boy the first thing we did was go shopping, let me fucking tell you, boys clothes ARE SHIT and boy did I cry whilst looking at those stupid fucking paw patrol tops and batman flashing shoes. Was it rational that I was screaming crying in hysterics whilst clutching a pink floral dungarees? Probably not to some, but I was grieving for the idea that I’d had in my head since day dot.

I couldn’t imagine baby fucking blue plastered everywhere, infact I told everyone NO BLUE!

GUESS WHAT? when that baby got here..I did not give a shit that he had a little winky, nor that he was gonna be swaddled in blue, because gender disappointment ends the moment that baby is put on your chest, I promise. So if you’re like me, and cry in next, and wanna punch anyone who says ‘boys are more loving’ that’s cool… It’ll pass.

P. S the fart jokes and cuddles don’t get old

Be kind to yourself

My friend text me this week. She said “I think I’m a shit mom; I don’t do a lot with the kids, and I didn’t manage to get out, even though the little one wanted to. I just feel so shit… I could cry.”

Instantly, I burst into a fucking musical production of how amazing she was as a mother and a wife, how much she does without even realising, and that in anyone’s eyes but her own she was an INSPIRATIONAL MOM.

It’s easy isn’t it? It’s easy to tell someone else how brilliant and amazing they are… But ourselves? We never give ourselves a break.

We torture ourselves that we’ve not got out the house in three days, that the washing pile has built up, that our kid is not hitting milestones… We don’t eat healthy enough, the kids don’t eat enough, or they eat too much; we balance love and attention between the older child and the younger child. We stress that the house isn’t clean, that you’ve not managed to take the dog for his walk, that we ruined our diet (again!)

It’s endless… Absolutely endless.

But you know what we don’t do? We don’t give ourselves credit for what we did get done. We don’t allow ourselves that bit of “us” time, minus the guilt… And that’s what we need to do.

Hey- you kept two kids alive and fed, you did a load of washing, and you brushed your teeth… that’s amazing! Allow yourself to be pleased, to relax, and to enjoy your time; enjoy your baby… After all, they’re not little forever.

The vacuuming can wait; go watch a Disney film instead, and grab a takeaway! After all… You deserve it!

Keep going mamas. I know it’s like groundhog day, I know it’s really tough, and I know you’re fed up of repeating yourselves… but you’re doing just fab!

Potty training are YOU ready

So.. You’ve decided its time to potty train.. Personally one of my favourite milestones. But… Are you ready?

How’s your patience right now, do you think you could handle your child telling you they don’t need the potty 24 times in 2 minutes before pissing on the rug you seemingly forgot to move? If yes… Could you handle this ten times in the hour?if you answered yes to 10 pisses on your rug in an hour… You’re ready.. And a fucking nutcase!

Suprises, you need to be ready to be suprised because although you may be filled with doubt, your child may pick it up fast and do their business on the Potty.. What a lovely glorious surprise! Or you may get the other kind of suprise where you find a shit on the sofa. Beggars can’t be choosers now.

Presents, for encouragement you definitely need gifts, may it be trips to the soft play or chocolate any time of bribery is a good start, also your child will more than likely reward you with gifts themselves, like a full shit in their hands to give “to you mommy”. BE GRATEFUL NOW LADIES.

Last but not least, children are unpredictable you might think 6 years into potty training that they are fully toilet trained however, like the rug situation… Sometime they like to suprise you out in public… Tada… Shit in the pants (always take spare pants…. Even for your 12 year old) nobody wants a suprise like that in sainsburys.

And potty training for bedtime? Hahaha there’s a reason for incontinence pads let me tell you… Those giant nappies are made so you never have to do night training, there’s something magical about waking up at 4 am to the smell of a shit smeared mattress and wall. Don’t bother.

So are you ready?

Good luck.. And may the odds be ever in your favor. Be sure not to mistake any poops for freddos.

But it’s our life too?

The selfish sound of me trying to justify going to disneyland Paris…. Without Oscar.

Here’s the thing, I know all too well that ‘once you have a baby it’s not about you any more’

Trust me.. I know when I go for a shit and there’s a little person demanding to play in the bathroom with me.

I know when doing a crappy cleaning job instead of filling my full potential just because the hours fit perfectly for childcare.

I know its all about Oscar now. Oscar is.. The be all and end all of our lives. That being said, it doesn’t mean as parents and a couple we can’t put ourselves first sometimes.

I’ve done a few holidays now with Oscar and truly learnt that a holiday with a baby is not a real holiday at all.. There’s no after pool nap, there’s no staying out til god knows what time being pissed off the shitty all inclusive or having embarrassingly loud sex with your balcony door open (just kidding to all my family reading this ..)

And if I’m honest, I knew that’s what I’d signed up for and Oscar out weighs all that with love + happiness (and bla bla bla bla)

But as boyfriend and girlfriend, we didn’t fall in love pairing socks and comparing prices of sudacrem and bepantham – so how can we stay in love doing just that?

Parenting and a relationship go hand in hand of course… But they are still separate and that means nurturing your relationship, fun theme park trips, a weekend away.. Maybe just a trip to the supermarket with a handbag instead of a change bag. Minus the mom guilt.

A good relationship makes a good mommy and daddy. So for those who aren’t sure whether to get a babysitter.. Hell do it. Do it once.. Do it again.. Do it until you feel like normal functioning humans again. Til you feel like the couple you were when you made that baby and i guarantee you,a good night sleep… Or lack of sleep for something other than a baby who’s dropped its dummy, will make you even better parents.img_20180317_225749_4112536055153299858268.jpg

The causes of siblings…

A lot of you have a lot to apologise for let me tell you. Here us ladies are, with our only lonelys. Happy as Larry.

Then comes along

instagram post’s

THAT’S RIGHT those cutesy big brother loves baby sister photos, always on your clean white bed sheet, no baby sick in site, matching pale outfits, quaver and snot free face’s.

The mom with 2 at the soft play

playing together, helping the little one up the steps, holding hands to come down the slide. Absolutely fucking adorable!!

The baby club mom

(chloe hun! This is you!)

She’s just had her second and swears blind it’s the most magical and amazing bond – no extra stress.. Just perfect, the best gift you could give your only lonely.

Mother in law

she had a one and a half year age gap between her kids, they played lovely together, kept each other occupied and are still best friends as adults, why wouldn’t you want that kind of bond between your children?

SO NOW OF COURSE…. WE ARE GOING FOR GOLD. NUMBER TWO. MAGICAL BONDS AND UNICORNS SHITTING RAINBOWS.

Here’s what you failed to mention! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.. HOW DO YOU LOOK AFTER A CHILD WHILST PREGNANT? Between being sick and crying over the wrong type of biscuits , there’s no time to run round a soft play or even bath your only lonely.

Getting out the house with two? Is this even possible.. Do you have to bring a suitcase, are there suitcases that attach to a double buggy? Because that is the only way I can lug round the amount of equipment I need to get through a single aldi shop.

You guys with the insta pics… How many outtakes did that take? Poonami, sick..Your older child violenty attempting to kick small baby off the bed? No? Just me?

Bathtime.. Two babies pooping in the bath? I’m gonna need a bigger net!

ONLY LONELYS… DON’T BE FOOLED. ♥